How to Get Your Teen to Open Up: Be Their Friend Before Their Fixer (Part 2 of 2)

Recently, during one of our Leadership Forsyth sessions, our presenter, Lloyd Knight, asked us to think about what makes an organization a terrible place to work.

As we began sharing our experiences, several familiar descriptions emerged: dictatorship, micromanagement, aggressive communication, unhealthy competition and a lack of collaboration. I imagine most of us have experienced at least one of these environments during our careers, and we know how difficult it can be to thrive in a workplace where we don't feel respected, heard or trusted.

As the discussion continued, my mind wandered to a completely different environment: our homes. I began wondering whether some of the very behaviors we dislike in the workplace occasionally show up in our parenting, even though our intentions are entirely different.

We dislike being micromanaged at work, but how often do we micromanage our teenagers? We appreciate leaders who listen to our opinions, but how comfortable are we when our children disagree with us? We value approachable managers, but do our teenagers always experience us as approachable when something goes wrong?

I am not suggesting that parents should run their homes like workplaces. Rather, the conversation made me wonder whether how to get your teen to open up might have as much to do with the culture we create at home as with the conversations we try to have with them.

In Part 1 of this series, I shared three things my students wanted parents to understand about why teenagers sometimes become less communicative after entering high school. Their observations about exhaustion, independence and comparison were insightful, but something else they told me seemed especially relevant to Lloyd's discussion.

When Teens Want a Friend, We Become Their Fixer

One student explained it beautifully: "When we talk to parents, we expect them to be like a friend, but they start giving advice. A friend would empathize, while a parent would try to fix the problem."

I thought about how often this happens in perfectly ordinary conversations at home. Imagine your teenager comes home disappointed after doing poorly on a math test. They studied hard, thought they were prepared and are frustrated with the result. As parents, our minds immediately start searching for solutions.

"Maybe you should practice more. Have you tried Khan Academy? You should speak with your teacher. Let's figure out what went wrong so this doesn't happen again."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with these suggestions. In fact, they might be exactly what our child needs to improve. But consider how differently a friend might respond to the same news.

"Oh no! After all that studying? That must be so frustrating. What happened?"

The friend hasn't improved the grade, offered a study strategy or solved a single problem. Yet the teenager may feel better simply because someone understands how disappointing the experience was.

My students also pointed out that parents sometimes assume they know what their child is feeling because they have more life experience. While our experience can be enormously valuable, it doesn't necessarily mean we understand what our child is experiencing in that particular moment.

When we respond to their disappointment with "It's not a big deal," or "You'll be fine," we may be trying to reassure them. But to someone who is genuinely upset, those words can feel like their emotions are being dismissed.

And when sharing something personal repeatedly leads to advice, correction or reassurance that doesn't quite acknowledge how they feel, teenagers may become less inclined to share those experiences with us.

How to Get Your Teen to Open Up Through Empathy

This reminded me of something we teach in our Communication module of our Leaderahip Program at Frolific, inspired by Brené Brown's work on empathy.

In her well-known video on empathy, Brown explains that empathy is about connecting with another person's emotions rather than trying to make their difficult feelings disappear. She makes a point I find particularly powerful: rarely can a response make something better, but what can make something better, is the connection.

I think this is a valuable lesson for us as parents because we are so accustomed to solving problems for our children that we sometimes forget how comforting it can be to simply have someone understand us.

The process of empathy is quite practical. First, try to recognize what your teenager is feeling, whether that is disappointment, embarrassment, frustration or sadness. Then reach into your own experiences and remember what that emotion feels like, even if you have never been through their exact situation. Finally, communicate that understanding so they know you are genuinely trying to connect with what they are experiencing.

Imagine your teenager tells you that their friends made plans without inviting them. You may immediately want to reassure them that those friends aren't worth their time or encourage them to find better ones. But perhaps what they need first is for you to remember how painful exclusion can feel and say, "That must have really hurt, especially when you thought you were all close."

You haven't solved anything, but you have given them something they may need more at that moment: the comfort of knowing that someone understands.

And this doesn't mean we should never give advice. We are parents, after all, and helping our children learn from their experiences is part of our responsibility. But perhaps the moment they are sharing their feelings isn't always the moment they are ready for our wisdom. We can listen, connect and return to problem-solving later, when the emotion has settled and they are more receptive to the conversation.

What Kind of Culture Are We Creating at Home?

Thinking back to Lloyd Knight's exercise, I realize that many of the qualities we appreciate in a good workplace culture are equally valuable at home. We want leaders who are approachable, authentic, respectful and willing to listen. We want an environment where we can acknowledge mistakes, express concerns and ask for help without immediately feeling judged.

Now imagine what it would mean for our teenagers to experience those same qualities in their relationship with us.

Being approachable doesn't mean agreeing with everything they say, just as being empathetic doesn't mean excusing poor decisions. It means creating a relationship where our children feel comfortable bringing us their disappointments, mistakes and concerns because they know we will try to understand before we begin correcting them.

As parents, we have a great deal of wisdom to offer, and there will always be situations when our children need our guidance. But if we want them to seek that guidance willingly, perhaps we need to pay more attention to how they experience us when they come to us.

The next time your teenager shares something difficult, try responding as an understanding friend before stepping into your role as a problem-solving parent. You may discover that when they feel heard, they are far more willing to continue the conversation, and perhaps even ask for your advice.

After all, the goal isn't simply to get our teenagers to talk more. It is to create a home where they feel comfortable being themselves, including on the days when things haven't gone particularly well.