How to Get Your Teen to Open Up (Part 1 of 2)

Part 1 of a series on staying connected with your teenager

Over the past few weeks, while meeting parents at parent information sessions, I noticed that one question kept coming up. Although every child is different, I heard it so frequently that I decided to investigate it further.

“My child used to tell me everything. Now I barely know what is going on in their life.”

Some parents describe a teenager who comes home from school and immediately disappears into their room. Others talk about the conversations in the car, where every attempt to find out how the day went is met with “Fine,” “Nothing much,” or “I don't know.” These are often the same children who, just a few years earlier, would come home and enthusiastically narrate every detail of their day, including who sat next to whom at lunch and which friend got into trouble.

I can understand why this change concerns parents. When someone who once shared everything with you suddenly becomes less forthcoming, it is natural to wonder whether something is wrong or whether they simply no longer want you involved in their lives. Many parents find themselves asking the same question: How do I get my teen to open up again?

Since I spend so much time talking to teenagers, I decided to take this question directly to my students. I asked them why they thought teenagers became less communicative especially after entering high school and what they wished their parents understood about them. Their answers were surprisingly practical, and three themes stood out.

1. They May Not Be Hiding Anything. They May Simply Be Exhausted.

One of the first things students wanted parents to understand was that when they come home from school and don't feel like talking, it often has very little to do with their parents. They are not necessarily hiding a secret life or struggling with something they cannot bring themselves to share. After spending almost eight hours at school, they may simply have very little energy left for another conversation.

There is an activity we do at Frolific that has helped me appreciate just how emotionally demanding an ordinary school day can be for a teenager. In our leadership program, we teach students about their EQ Zone, the emotional state in which they can think clearly, make good decisions and respond thoughtfully to situations. When something triggers them, they may move into their High Zone, where they feel angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, or their Low Zone, where they feel discouraged, anxious or withdrawn. We teach them to recognize these emotional shifts and develop strategies to return to balance.

As part of this lesson, I read students a story describing a typical day in the life of a high schooler, from waking up in the morning to navigating classes, assignments, teachers, friendships and extracurricular activities. I ask them to raise their hands every time they encounter a situation that would knock them out of their EQ Zone.

On average, students raise their hands approximately ten times during that one imaginary day. What fascinates me is that these are not extraordinary circumstances. They are everyday experiences such as being rushed in the morning, receiving an unexpected quiz, feeling unprepared for a presentation, having a disagreement with a friend or realizing that several assignments are due at the same time.

Now imagine your child experiencing these emotional ups and downs throughout the school day, repeatedly trying to regain their balance while still meeting the expectations of teachers, classmates and coaches. By the time they come home, they may have spent so much energy managing their emotions and responding to expectations that what they need most is an opportunity to feel emotionally settled again.

And yet, because we are genuinely interested in their lives and eager to reconnect after a long day apart, we often greet them with another round of questions.

“How was your math test? Did you speak with your teacher? What happened with that project? Have you decided which classes you want to take next year?”

There is nothing wrong with these questions, but their timing matters. When a teenager is already mentally exhausted, even a well-intentioned conversation can feel like one more responsibility.

What students seem to need most at that moment is not another opportunity to explain themselves, but something that helps them return to emotional balance. Sometimes that is food, some quiet time, a little humor, or simply the comfort of being around someone who isn't asking them to accomplish anything. Kindness, connection and a little breathing room can make it much easier for them to return to their EQ Zone.

Instead of immediately asking about grades, teachers and assignments, perhaps we can start with something lighter, such as what they would enjoy doing over the weekend, whether they want a snack, or whether they would prefer some downtime before talking.

The idea is not to stop being interested in their lives, but to recognize that before expecting teenagers to give us their attention and emotional energy, we may need to help them replenish it. You may find that the child who barely says a word at 4 p.m. is perfectly willing to talk while helping themselves to something from the refrigerator later that evening.

2. They Want More Ownership Over Their Time, Not Necessarily Less Time With You

Another point students raised was how frustrating it can be when parents make plans involving them without consulting them first. We arrange dinners with friends, schedule family outings or sign everyone up for weekend activities without considering that our teenagers may have plans of their own, even if those plans involve doing absolutely nothing.

By the time students enter high school, they are expected to take increasing responsibility for their lives. They manage deadlines, communicate with teachers, choose extracurricular activities and make decisions independently. Yet at home, they may still feel that their time is being managed entirely by someone else.

Imagine a teenager who has spent the entire week juggling school, homework and activities. They have been looking forward to a quiet Saturday afternoon, only to discover that their parents have committed them to a family outing. What looks like an overreaction may simply be frustration at having no say over time they thought was theirs.

Of course, being part of a family comes with responsibilities, and not every plan can revolve around a teenager's preferences. But there is a difference between including them in a decision and informing them of one that has already been made. Asking about their plans, giving them advance notice and respecting their need for downtime can go a long way toward making them feel heard.

I also think we need to allow teenagers to develop independence at their own pace. As parents, we often see what needs to happen long before our children do, and our instinct is to organize, remind and manage. But we cannot expect teenagers to become independent decision-makers if we continue making every decision for them. Giving them some ownership over their time, along with the freedom to make occasional mistakes, is part of helping them grow into responsible adults.

3. Comparing Them to Others Rarely Produces the Motivation We Hope For

The third point students raised was that comparing them to other teenagers, siblings or even their parents' younger selves rarely motivates them to improve. More often, it leaves them feeling inadequate.

I think comparison usually comes from good intentions. When we say, “Look at how your friend manages school and sports,” or “When I was your age, I never needed anyone to remind me to study,” we are trying to show our children what is possible. But teenagers are already surrounded by comparisons. They know who gets the highest grades, who makes the team, who has more friends and who seems to have everything figured out. They hardly need another reminder at home.

More importantly, comparison can influence how much they are willing to share with us. Imagine your child tells you they scored an 72 on a test. They are disappointed, but they have chosen to tell you. If our response is to ask what their friends scored or remind them that their sibling never struggled with the subject, they may think twice before sharing their next disappointing result.

I believe a more effective way to motivate teenagers is to help them recognize their own strengths and progress. Instead of comparing their grades to someone else's, we can acknowledge that they started preparing earlier than last time. Instead of pointing out how confident their friend is, we can recognize the courage it took for them to approach a teacher or speak up in class.

This doesn't mean withholding constructive feedback. Teenagers need to know when something isn't working, but that feedback is far more useful when it builds on their strengths. At Frolific, I often see students overlook abilities they already possess. A teenager who struggles with public speaking may be an excellent listener, while someone who has difficulty staying organized may be remarkably creative at solving problems.

Our children do not need another person telling them who they should be more like. They need someone who can help them recognize their own strengths and learn how to build upon them.

Perhaps Getting Your Teen to Open Up Begins With Changing What They Experience Around Us

What my conversations with students helped me understand is that getting teenagers to open up may have less to do with asking better questions and more to do with creating an environment in which they feel comfortable sharing.

When they are exhausted, we can offer connection before questions. When they are learning independence, we can respect their growing ownership over their time. And when they share something disappointing, we can help them recognize their strengths rather than compare them to someone else.

Of course, persistent withdrawal or significant changes in mood and behavior deserve our attention. But we don't need to interpret every closed bedroom door or one-word answer as evidence that something is wrong.

As our children grow, our relationship with them needs to evolve too. When they were younger, closeness may have meant knowing almost everything that happened during their day. As teenagers, closeness may mean knowing that when something matters enough to share, they can come to us without feeling immediately questioned, controlled or compared.

Interestingly, I was recently introduced to another way of thinking about this during my Leadership Forsyth training. Our presenter, Lloyd Knight, spoke about how leaders can intentionally create environments that bring out the best in their employees. As I listened, I couldn't help wondering how much of that same thinking could apply to parenting.

If the environment we create at work can influence how people think, behave and perform, could the environment we create at home help our teenagers become more confident, self-driven and intrinsically motivated?

That is what I plan to explore in Part 2 of this series, where I will share some interesting connections between leadership in the workplace and parenting at home, and what they might teach us about bringing out the best in our children.