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The Cost of Letting Things Slide: How Shyness In Teens Affects Friendships

Writer's picture: Alpana ShitoléAlpana Shitolé

Imagine this: Your teen is standing in the cafeteria line, when someone—let’s say it’s a senior with a very questionable sense of entitlement, cuts right in front of them which puts them off. Cue the internal monologue:


  1. “I’ll let it slide. I cannot change someone else’s behavior anyway.” (Passive)

  2. “Excuse me! Back of the line, buddy!” (Aggressive)

  3. “Let me shove my lunch tray uncomfortably close to their back until they get the hint.” (Passive-aggressive)


Let’s focus on the first response which is also a passive response. Sure, it seems harmless in the moment. “Why make waves?” your shy teen might think. But here’s the catch: “Letting things slide” isn’t just a one-off. It’s a habit. And like all habits, it grows stronger with repetition. Today, it’s the lunch line. Tomorrow, it’s group projects, friendships, and even future job negotiations. Yikes.


Shyness in Teens: The Real Problem is Passiveness 

Letting things slide isn’t just about avoiding conflict; it’s one of the key challenges of shyness in teens. It’s about avoiding authenticity. Shy, passive teens often train themselves to stay quiet, even when something really matters to them. It’s like exercising the wrong muscle over and over again. Instead of building the confidence to speak up, they build the "let it slide" muscle.


Now, here’s where things get even trickier: social dynamics. When someone consistently avoids saying what they want or need, they attract people who are drawn to their passiveness.


Imagine your teen’s friend group planning a movie night. Everyone wants to see Explosions and Car Chases 3, but your teen secretly wants to watch Thoughtful Indie Film That Makes You Question Life’s Purpose. Instead of voicing their preference, they go along with the group. No harm done, right? Wrong. Because halfway through the movie, they’re quietly fuming, thinking, Why didn’t they even ask me what I wanted? These friends don’t care about me at all, conveniently ignoring the fact that they never spoke up in the first place. Resentment builds, and suddenly, friendships feel shallow. Why? Because they are shallow. How can someone form a deep connection with your teen if shyness prevents them from expressing what makes them tick?


Authentic Connections Require Courage

The only way to build meaningful relationships is to show up as your full, authentic self. This means speaking up, even when it feels uncomfortable, and realizing that No is a complete sentence. It also means confidently saying, 'I would love to hang out with you but actually, I’d prefer to see this other movie,' or politely addressing a situation by saying, 'Hey, I noticed you cut the line. I’ve been waiting for a while, would you mind joining the line at the back?


And let’s be real—teaching this to teens isn’t easy. They’re navigating a world where fitting in often feels more important than standing out. But here’s the secret sauce: when they learn to communicate their needs and boundaries, they’ll attract friends who genuinely respect and appreciate them for who they are. No grudges, no passive-aggressive tray shoving, just real connections.


At the end of the day, even with courage and the willingness to speak up, your teen may not always get their way. But here’s the key: while we can’t always control how others respect our wants and needs, we can take charge of respecting what we want for ourselves. That self-respect is the foundation for courage, confidence, and the authentic connections we all strive for.

A shy teenage girl  biting her nails, her body language conveying hesitation and discomfort.

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1 Comment


Shiv Kotagal
Shiv Kotagal
Jan 16

Amazingly insightful article!

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